nofliplaflop

Hmmm...

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 06:08:07 GMT

b-fast: granola bar, 100 cals

lunch: subway turkey 6-inch, 350 cals

dinner: sushi (I have no idea. but not good:()

So anyway...2nd adipex tomorrow. I really need to go to that clinic and get some!!! I went to physical therapy finally and she said I could start running again, so I started on Tuesday, and my ankle still hurts a little but it's getting better. Felt good to get to the gym again at least. Going again tomorrow.

I'm Back.

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 04:58:40 GMT

I am so bad. I was doing pretty well...running, eating well, etc., and then I sprained my ankle and got all off track.

The wedding was on Saturday and I am exhausted but it was super fun. Country as it could be, but it was fitting and still nice. Anyway, didn't end up hooking up with the read headed groomsmen of spring break's past after all... which was better, because I ended up getting to know this guy that I went to high school with but didn't really know back then, and it ended up being a fun weekend. Only after hooking up with the boy from high school did it occur to me that everything he was saying, all the great convos, could just be total bullshit aimed at getting me in bed. But, even if it was just that, it worked and it was good, so I'm a happy girl. And, if, by chance, it wasn't total bullshit, and he really is that great, then I'm glad that I know he's a really good guy. But nothing will ever happen because of course, he lives up there and I'm in New Orleans.

Anyway, he has this amazing body and I felt so horrible about myself with him. I mean, I don't really have body issues while I'm in the moment, but afterward I found myself wondering how/why he was attracted to me in the shape that I am. Anyway, I stole 2 adipex's to kick start me getting back on track and I went to physical therapy today for my ankle and I can get back to the gym tomorrow finally. THANK GOD. So here's to looking better for the holidays and hopefully round 2 with the boy from high school!

Also...

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 20:59:08 GMT

I just checked my starbucks drink cals online for the first time..skim milk, no whip cream...still 350 cals! Ahhhh! ok, no more of these I guess! I mean I'm down to like 1 a week, as a treat, but still. damn.

Back from the Beach

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 20:52:15 GMT

So I just got back from my solo beach vacation. 48 hours of sun and sand...it was awesome! I didn't eat horribly, like if I was vacation with my family or something, but I wasn't wonderful either. I am no less than 1 month away from when I fly home for L's wedding and the dress still doesn't zip all the way so....tomorrow starts with the new plan. Which is basically the same as the old plan, except for rather than soup/lean cuisine/veggies for dinner, I'll stick to 2 cups chicken broth and sugar free jello. That way, even with some cool whip free on the jello, I'll be maxing at like 85 cals for dinner and like 550 for the day. Healthy? Probably not. But I have got to get this dress zipped. I have been doing decent for the last month, but now is time to get serious, because since the dress still deosn't zip all the way what I have been doing is obviously still not enough. Dress try-ons every Sunday with Elise helping zip. If it still doesn't zip in 2 weeks, I'll have to find someone who can let it out in that amount of time, which will be tough, but I'll just pay extra if I have to. WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR ME?!

Motivation motivation motivation...I need motivation.

I Hate Management

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 04:01:52 GMT

I hate management! There was this time, when I was maybe in middle school, and I can remember my dad talking about a promotion he had just gotten and how he was so thrilled because the promotion put him in a position where nobody reported to him. And I remember thinking "my dad is officially, fucking crazy. I can't wait till everyone reports to me and I am the boss!" I was so wrong, and now I totally understand his thinking. It's not so much the day-to-day stuff. It's the things here and there. Like them constantly trying to outsmart me. (I am the youngest in the office by a few decades and the boss so naturally, I am constantly fighting for respect) I definitely don't think I know everything but, ummm, keep trying. And my staff isn't really the bad part. It's the temporary workers that report to me that my regional office makes me use. So today we find out that one of the girls fudged her time sheet after I signed off on it. Well of course we made a copy of the one I signed off on, so does this little bitch really think I'm going to pay her for 30 hours when she only worked six? I don't know whether to be grossed out by her brazenness or offended by the fact that she obviously took me for stupid. And it was my assistant who caught the error! I'm going to take her to lunch or do something nice for her tomorrow, just to let her know that I appreciate her doing her job. And then I'm going to take pleasure in firing the little bitch who tried to screw me (and the charity we work for!). I normally dread, agonize, do a few shots before firing someone. It sucks putting someone out of a job. Normally. But this will be amazing.

Anyway, food was ok today, same as the past couple days, except for since I had to get up so early I buckled and got my starbucks drink. Of course it's skinny but still it's unnecessary cals. Worked out, tanned, shopped, etc. Now I need to do my crunches/push ups and paint my toes and shower and go to bed. This is one of those nights when I totally could be in bed by now but now it 11pm and I still have all that stuff to do because I have dicked around. Sometimes I get on my own nerves.

In closing, I am way too excited about Britney's video premiere tomorrow. Definitely dvr'ing 20/20. Because of course I'll be at happy hour somewhere. And then the beach on Saturday!!!

Decent Day

Wed, 08 Oct 2008 01:40:16 GMT

b-fast: chewy bar, 100 cals
lunch: Subway turkey 6-inch, 350 cals
dinner: Tomato soup, 220 cals

And I want to the gym. It was the first day of the 3rd week of my running plan. Burned 265 cals. So, that puts me at 405. I will probably have a 100 cal cup of applesauce, so I'll end the day at about 505. Not so bad, and I haven't really been hungry.

I was surprised by the 3rd week of the running plan...it didn't feel as hard as week 2. But, I'm going to do what it says because even though I ran less overall, I ran for longer increments of time. So maybe there is something to it.

Taking the second anipex that I stole tomorrow.

Get A New Kicker

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 04:26:39 GMT

Seriously, Saints, the time has come. Our kicker just lost the effing game for us. And we were so close.

Anyway, as seems to be the normal lately, I did terribly on Saturday and Sunday. But I stole two adipex from E, so I took one today to get my appetite back down.

I had:

b-fast: Kashi bar, 110 cals
lunch: 100 calorie pack of oreos
snack: weight watchers chocolate coconut candy, 50 cals
dinner: little sushi, approx 350 cals, sooo...

Total: 610. I could have done without the sushi b/c I wasn't really hungry, but I don't want to take the adipex tomorrow, and if I hadn't eaten anything for dinner I would have woken up starving and gotten the day off to a bad start.

Week 3 of my running plan starts tomorrow! The link is here if anyone is interested. It seems a little simple to start, but I am not feeling burnt out yet and I still feel like I'm getting a decent workout, so I am feeling good about it. I usually burn about 275 cals but obviously as I increase distance, I will increase burnt cals. And I am ok with a 30 minute workout totaly 275 cals---I figure on a normal day that eliminates my 100 calorie breakfast bar and half of my Subway 6-inch for lunch.

On a non-weight related note, I am angry with Clancy (my cat) because he chewed up my new grey heels that I was soooo thrilled about (I have been looking for grey heels FOREVER). And I am going to the beach this weekend...by myself. And I am really looking forward to it. I probably can't afford it, but there are 3 paychecks in October so I'll make do. I just feel very frustrated with my friends lately, like we're all on a different page, and I've been blaming them. But, when I think about it, I realize that I am the common link with all the frustration. So maybe I'm the one being weird. So I'm just going to clear my head in Pensacola, read a book, drink some wine, and relax. My friend A might come for a day but can't stay, so for the most part it'll be just me.

Also, I recently found out that P got engaged, again. After we got in a fight, again. I'm sure it is probably completely unrelated to me, but it does seem as though everytime we fight, he goes into this "I have to get serious and grow up" mode. Anyway, the last time this happened he never actually got married, but I think he might this time. And even if he doesn't, and he comes running back once again, it's kind of like I have written him of completely now. Because seriously, who wants to be the 3rd girl that the guy has proposed to? Especially when it's a guy you've been off and on with since you were 12. If I was going to be anything, it should have been the first and only. So that said, I wish there was no internet. It makes it too easy for me to keep tabs on him...it would be so much easier if I could just forget he exists! Met a guy at the bar last night who already called. Charming, but in that he's either rediculously charming straight or just flat out gay. Not flaming, obviously, but just the kind that you're like "hmmm...I wonder...." He wanted to meet up tonight after the game but I'm sure he doesn't now since the Saints just blew it. I never called him back anyway. Might call him closer to the weekend. We'll see.

Super long post.

Gross.

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 05:05:04 GMT

Gross. Gross GROSS GROSS! I am so gross and I can't get my shit together. I hate this. What is wrong with me? I do good for a week. REALLY good. And then I blow it all to shit. So over myself.

Work Out Days Are Better

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 01:44:32 GMT

Today has been a decent day:

B-fast: Slim Fast Optima bar, 120 cals
Lunch: Subway 6-inch turkey, 350 cals
Dinner: Progresso soup, 220 cals
Dessert: jello non-fat pudding, 60 cals

With probably 100 cals of munchies. So that's 850, but then I burned 265 in the gym, bringing my daily total to 585. Not bad. But thus far, I'm not losing weight and I can't figure out why! It's so frustrating. I know that there are things that I can cut out---like the 100 cals worth of munchies. And the 60-cal pudding. The problem is, I need something sweet. I could do sugar-free jello instead, half a box is 20 cals...so that would knock 40 cals off of dessert. But sometimes I feel like anything from 100-500 cals is going to result in the same weight loss and anything from 500-900 is the same. Like really, is there a difference between 150 cals and 300 cals? Like, I know those with ED's would say YES. And I don't know if my food obsession and multiple issues = ED or just = craziness. Anyway, it's probably good that I'm not losing a pound a day like I used to because I just gained it all back. Now that I am losing 1-3 a week maybe it's healthier. Who really knows!

Anyway, I just want to be thin so that guys are interested again. And I know that makes me sound so 7th grade. But I really do get more attention when I am thinner, and I am wanting a boyfriend lately. I don't know why, I've never been the type of girl to like, "want" a boyfriend. They've just always kind of come to be. But now I want one. I think it's cause my friends are busier and busier and I see less and less of them, so I want someone I can just call and be like "want to watch a movie? go to dinner?" and I know that YES, they do want to.

So, in my current state of mind, thin = boyfriend. I'll get there!! I am pretty determined right now and I don't have anything big coming up that should get me off track. I'm thinking about doing liquid fasts on Sunday. Basically, nothing but water, diet soda, chicken broth, and 100 calorie mocha packs, should I require them. And maybe sugar free jello, if I die. Basically, maxing for the day at 140. I can probably do it. The part that worries me if that I'll wake up Monday STARVING and get off track. Anyway. I'm rambling.

Good Diet Day

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 01:18:57 GMT

Not so much a good day all around, but pretty good diet wise.

B-fast: kudos bar, 100 cals
Lunch: Subway roast beef 6-inch, 350 cals
Dinner: Progressive Soup, 240 cals
Dessert: Jello Low-fat pudding, 60 cals

Plus probably 50 cals worth of pretzel sticks. So that totals 800. Plus, I went to the gym (!!!) and burned 250, taking my net cals down to 550. Which I am pretty psyched about, and I'm not really hungry. So that rocks. Speaking of the gym I started my new work-out plan today and I'm super excited about it. It's called the "Couch to 5k in 2 months" and, obviously, it's a running plan. I am going to try to get to the 3 miles in 2 months and if not then I'll just keep going with what I can do for a little longer and expand the period over more than 2 months. Eventually I'll add some weights cause I need to do them to strengthen my bones, but right now I'm gonna start slowly.

Ok, pudding time while watching DWTS. They're bodies are just sickeningly amazing.

Birthday Blues

Mon, 22 Sep 2008 02:29:06 GMT

So, last night we all went out for my birthday and I just feel like I really got the shaft and that so many of my friends let me down. I mean, they did come out and at least try to fake a good time. They failed, though. I've been through the whole turn of events in my head all day, with my mom, and with my roommate, so I'm really too tired to type the whole thing out again. It's just so frustrating. I feel like I try so hard to be there for everyone else and go to things that are important to them and basically it's gotten me no where. So why do I continue to try?

Anyway, I've been off of my diet since Thursday due to birthday festivities, so I'm going back on tomorrow, as well as joining the gym. I looked up a suggestion for how to train for a 5k in 2 months, so what that means is by 2 months from now I should be able to just up and run 3 miles, which is a pretty good work out. And it doesn't seem that hard and only says to do it 3 times a week in order to allow for rest and muscle rebuilding, so I can totally do that.

Ok...more later in the week.

Oh, and I HATE MY JOB! Even though I haven't really let anything slip, I think my boss can tell that I have lost motivation. She kind of got on my case about it on Friday without actually personalizing the convo or accusing me of anything, but I'm pretty sure she had underlying meaning. Anyway, as long as I work hard this week I should get her off my back. I have to meet with my old boss to make sure everything is still on track for me to go back there in January. Not soon enough!!! CAN'T WAIT to be done where I am!

Birthday Time!

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 04:34:37 GMT

So today was ok.

B-fast: Kudos bar, 100 cals
Lunch: Subway 6-inch Turkey, 350 cals
Dinner: 285 cal thing from Smoothie King & 100 cal pack
In between: 2 pretzel sticks and 5 peanuts, approx. 50 cals

So that adds up to 885. I went to the park after work and speed walked 4 miles with my friend M, so we burned about 200 cals, so...we're going to say I ended the day at 700. I'm not going to try to do the math with the alli and what percent of fat cals it takes away...anyway, I was down 2 pounds this morning. Alli isn't supposed to help with appetite supression, but my appetite is way down. Either I'm just getting used to this or it is helping.

Tomorrow is my birthday! Good and bad. Fun, yes, but cake and dinner out with friends? This could be tough! Part of me wants to just unleash for my birthday, but the other part of me is so proud of how I've been doing and grossed out by the thought of my dress not zipping that I can't bear the thought of pigging out. So we'll see how I do!

I also have new boy drama, but I'm too tired to type it out tonight. That'll come.

alli

Tue, 16 Sep 2008 00:41:06 GMT

So today I picked up a 30-day supply of alli...I look forward to seeing how it works! The only thing I am thinking is that it might not because it is supposed to block 1/4 of the fat you eat, and I almost eat no fat as is. Like, maybe 10 grams a day. I mean, no doubt that 7.5 grams is less than 10, but...I think eating 30 when you normally eat 40 per day is more the point. Oh well. We'll see!

Today I had:

Breakfast: Fiber One bar (140 cals)
Lunch: Subway 6-inch turkey on wheat (350 cals)
Dinner: Steamed brown rice (300 cals)
Dessert: sugar-free jello pudding (60 cals)

So: 850. Plus I had 2 pretzel sticks, so maybe closer to 900. The plan is to stay below 1000 for right now. Once upon a time, I was only eating about 300, but I gained the weight I lost back and then some. So I am going to go this route---still enough to lose, but not so much that I'll gain it all back. But, I might try like day-long fasts every here and there. And, if my dress still doesn't fit about 2 weeks before L's wedding then I'll go down to 500 cals a day and get there!

I hope alli works!

Mon, 15 Sep 2008 01:34:49 GMT

"It will all be different in the morning, but it will all still be the same."

A poster put that in her AQ post today and I think it rings so true for me. Lately I've just been having that all consuming feeling of working so hard and trying so much and getting...no where. That's not to say that I don't enjoy my life right now. I love New Orleans. I love my friends. I have a pretty nice life. But I think it's just my job that I don't like right now---it's particularly hard to be motivated with that since I know I'm leaving to go back to the campaign in January. And I am finally getting around to a point where I would like to be in a relationship again. For a long time I've been loving being single and not even really wanting to date, but that has been changing lately. It would just be so nice to be able to have someone regularly in my life. If that makes any sense at all.

I did ok this weekend, but not awesome, so back on track tomorrow... I think I'm going to pick up some alli and give that a try. It can't hurt, and if it doesn't work then it doesn't work. We'll see. P is moving south in January and we plan on visiting with each other, so I need to look bangin. I don't know if we'll just date, get back together, or anything like that. But I'm going to keep an open mind while at the same time not counting on anything or getting my hopes up.

So that's that. Posting later in the week...

Doing Well

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 14:41:23 GMT

Down 6 lbs! I realize it's only since Monday, so it's probably a lot of water and evacuation weight, but still, it's exciting! I have been doing a good job on my plan thus far. One day, Wednesday for lunch, I had a meeting and ordered out and did poorly, but I just skipped dinner to make up for it. Plus I've been drinking ALOT of water, so fortunately I haven't been that hungry. Today I didn't go into work because Hurricane Ike is causing major rain/wind all the way over here, so I'm concerned about being home all day with too much to eat. I'm also concerned about this weekend---first weekend back on track. I am going to the game on Saturday so I'll have to be cautious. AHHHH. I despise temptation.

Anyway....6 lbs down, 14 more minimum to go just to look good in that dress. Still have 2 months...1 before final fitting...and then if I can drop that 14 and get that far, if I could lose 10 more I would be so happy! But it's been YEARS before I was that low, so it'll take some trying. But I'm excited with the results thus far and not giving up.

How Did This Happen?!

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 03:30:43 GMT

So, somehow I have gained 20lbs in a year and a half. I don't know how. But wait, yes I do. I haven't thought about what I've put in my mouth for so long. In college, after I broke up with A, I got so serious. I checked AQ everyday (I was obsessed), I posted almost every day, people were telling my how good I looked, I was 300-700 cals a day max, it was wonderful! And then something about graduation put an end to it. And I was noticing---not as much dating, not feeling comfortable in my clothes, etc. But it's not as though my clothes didn't fit, or I was completely guy-less, so I guess I was kind of in denial. UNTIL last week. I was home on Hurrication and went to try on my Bridesmaid dress for alterations. And guess what. It doesn't zip. Now, back in January, when I bought it, it zipped. And I "knew" then that I had gained weight. But I'm probably even 10lbs heavier now. So now, I am MOTIVATED. I have 2 monthes (9 weeks, actually) to lose enough lbs to get my dress on! Probably 10-15lbs. Plus, I need to get down enough by Oct. just to know that it will zip, so that I can get any alterations done if needed. So the plan is found below. I know I post new "plans" regularly, but this is serious---I can't afford to order another dress! Ok. The thing is, even on my busiest days, I get STARVING by lunch time at work. I'm pretty sure it's because I hate my job. SO, I can't NOT eat. It would hurt productivity too much and as a manager, I can't be a cranky bitch. So:

b-fast: some sort of bar under 150 cals (this week I am adding a banana to get my appetite down)
lunch: Subway 6-inch turkey on wheat, which they claim is 300 cals. I add a ton of veggies so it's quite filling
dinner: veggies, or a lean cuisine, or soup...under 350 cals
dessert: sugar free jello or 60 cal jello pudding packs

Which for a day will leave me at about 850 cals. Not SPECTACULAR, but enough to make a difference. And like, if I have the veggies for dinner (150 cals), that knocks out 200 additional cals and knocks my daily total down to 650.

Excercize: So there is this gym that is relatively well priced and I think I'll joi0. The trick with me and exercize is that I can't force myself into going---I need to accept that only going twice a week is fine---it's better than nothing. Cuz when I make myself go every night I get frutrated and just stop. But with another hurricane on the horizon I'm waiting to join until I know if I'm evacuating again or not (p.s. evacuating = not good for eating habits).

Ok. I'm out. I will post pounds lost (too embarrassed to post actual weight).

Diet. Seriously.

Tue, 03 Jun 2008 03:39:48 GMT

So I've been doing a little better lately, easing myself back into it, after a year of eating anything in sight and gaining, I am not kidding, 12 lbs. I can't believe how much work I have to do just to get back to where I was a year ago!! Anyway, here is what I had today

breakfast: cheerios with skim milk---175 cals
lunch: Healthy Choice---310 cals
dinner: chicken broth and a chicken breast---120 cals
dessert: sugar-free jello pudding and a 100-calorie pack---160 cals
and I had some stick pretzels to snack on: 150 cals

Total: 915

Not very good! But for this first week or so I figure anything under 1000 is a decent start. I did go to jazzercize, so I probably burned at least 150-200 cals in the 45 minutes I was there. I couldn't stay the whole hour because I pulled that muscle that wraps around your ribs a few days ago and it started aching terribly.

Tomorrow someone from my regional office is coming into town so I hope I'm able to resist going to lunch with her. I really need to date more but no one looks at me with me weighing this much. If that's not motivation, what is?!

Dating

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 17:23:30 GMT

Sigh. I am so confused! Surprise, surprise. So, I've dated a little here and there. But it's been few and far between since A... there was J for that one summer, then D for a month, then J the next summer, then A in the fall. And now that brings me to R. Met this week, went out on a date on Friday. And while he initiated it, he left it up to me, so it wasn't so much a date as it was him coming along with me and my friends and what we normally do on a Friday night (casual drinks, home before midnight). And while things went fine, and there were a few positive feedback type of moments throughout the evening, I have not heard from him. Granted, it has not even been 48 hours, but this is where I am lost. With the past few guys, A & D, namely, I wasn't that into them and was ignoring their texts, their calls, etc. It's been a while since I'm the one checking my phone every 20 minutes. And so, I suppose that maybe it's my turn to get knocked off of my high horse a little bit and remember what rejection feels like, but on the other hand it's like DAMNIT, I really think I could have liked this guy. So it's a bummer. I think tonight I'm going to text him. At the end of the evening he said "well text me sometime," but there was no hug, no kiss, no anything (I was seatbelted in, just dropping him off, so that could be why?). So, based on the fact that he said that, I don't think it would be out of line for me to send one text this evening, 48 hours post-first date, and say something to the effect of "How was the rest of your weekend?" If I get no response well then I know. He's a little shy, so I'm hoping he meant what he said when he said to text him. Ahhhhhh I hate this. I keep reminding myself not to play the game. If I want to text him, I should text him, and if he doesn't respond well then, I was just being me and if he can't like me for me then it wasn't meant to be. If that even makes sense. Which very little does. Sigh.

LONG Time

Tue, 22 Jan 2008 04:12:32 GMT

So, it's been forever. I am gross, let me just get that out there. So from graduation through Christmas I basically did horrible (that;'s 6 months!) and have gained gained gained. Like seriously gained. I went to a Mardi Gras Ball on Friday and the pictures are just terrible. TERRIBLE. So I have resolved to get back on track.

My first job, the one that I mention in the previous post, lasted about 6 months. I wasn't as preoccupied as I thought I would be---in fact, I had NOTHING to do so I was bored, which caused a probably false sense of hunger, and what followed was the weight gain. Now I am at a non-profit where I actually have 2 people working for me which keeps me very busy and much less bored and therefore hungry, but the people who work for me eat terribly and it's hard to do well when they're doing so poorly.

So anyway, Mardi Gras is in 2 weeks and I'd like to lose 6 lbs by then, which there's no real reason I can't do. Work this week will be very busy and stressful and it's hard not to just pig out on whatever I can find at those times, but I must not do it! People will be taking so many pics during Mardi Gras that I need to look good! It has been so long since I took a good picture, and I know it's weird to say, but sometimes weight gain is hard to notice until you see yourself in pictures. The pictures don't lie.

Finals

Sun, 06 May 2007 23:46:16 GMT

Yuck! I cannot do well! So, I have been hovering around 145ish lately, which I hate, but it's better for me because for the past 3 years my constant weight has been about 152. But I've been at 145 so long that I think that it is now my constant weight. I haven't been eating very well though, with finals and everything. They stress me out and make me huuuungry. Like yesterday, for example, I had granola for breakfast, a chewy bar for lunch, and then a Smart Ones meal for dinner. Not a bad day----400-500 cals. But then I fucked it up and went to dinner with a friend, had FRIED OYSTERS, half of a PO-BOY, and ICE CREAM. Am I nuts? At least I had gone on a 2 mile walk with an 80lb dog that was like working my arms like crazy. And I had sex last night, which I feel like normally burns a lot of cals, although last night's episode probably didn't burn as much as I would have liked (It's been a long time since I slept with this guy and he has clearly gotten older....wasn't quite the wild ride it used to be). Today I've had granola, a chewy bar, yogurt, and I'm going to go ahead and eat the rest of that effing po-boy rather than let it go to waste. I wanted so badly to be in the 130's for graduation and I'm probably not going to make it. If I can do really really good this week, like 300 cals a day, and then fast on Saturday & Sunday, then I miiiight be able to get to like, 139. Omg, I would give anything. That would be so amazing. Anyway, hopefully I won't wake up in the morning and be like 147 or anything, I would hate that. Anyway....it's just hard to be on a schedule during finals. On the 21st I start my new job and I am so excited because I'll be preoccupied from 9-5, and I only get 30 minutes for lunch so I'm just going to take veggies and eat them in the kitchen in the office. The plan will be :

chewy bar or banana for breakfast
veggies for lunch
lean cuisine type meal for dinner

So hopefully most days will be 600 or below....and I need to find a gym or something where I can exercise because after graduation I'll lose my membership on campus. It's too effing hot here in the summer to exercise. Maybe I could walk in the park after work....it would be hot but it's just walking. We'll see. Ok, 3 finals and a paper left. I can do this!

ewwwww

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 00:15:07 GMT

Omg! I have not stopped binging since Friday! I am DISGUSTING. I mean all week I was not great, but I didn't gain. I won't even weigh myself till Tuesday cause God knows what I may weigh. Hopefully I'll be able to stop eating tonight and then tomorrow I can get back on track. I just feel absolutely disgusting. I want so badly to be like 138 for graduation on May 19th. If I try really hard I KNOW I can do it. But I'll have to be careful during finals, which is always a hard time for me. Anyway....back to homework. One more week of this shit and then I'm dooone!

Worst Day Ever

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 06:56:37 GMT

So today wasn't terrible. Class, work, the usual. Was down a pound, so that puts me at 144, so I was feeling good about that. Then I got home and was going through my evening routine when I get a call from my mom----I owed $1700 in taxes. Ummmmm. We realized I could write off some stuff, so we got it down to $1200. But still. I figured out that after I return $40 worth of clothes I bought (a skirt and 3 shirts, all on sale, I love them, but they go back...), and I put $250 of my paycheck towards it, I will have about $80 left in my bank account, $150 to get me through the next 2 weeks, and $1000 on my credit card bill. Did I mention that I hate my life? This means that I officially have $0 to put towards a deposit on an apartment of any kind. Not that I have a job for after graduation. I just don't know what to do. Then, even though I've been busting my ass for 4 years at work and school, sometimes working 2 jobs, my mom starts laying into me about how I'm not "driven" and not as goal-oriented or organized as I used to be. Um, do you have any idea what I do all day? Full course load, job, homework, appt.s, and all over again. Working alot of weekends. I have done so much more than any of my friends and all I ever hear from my parents is how proud they are and then suddenly something like this and they go from being proud to chastising me. Sooooo frustrating. And my mom goes "well, you could ask your brother for a loan, but you won't speak to him" and I almost die. I have asked them, pleaded, cried, everything, to please get off my case about getting along with my brother. I can't tell them the extent of the things that went down. It almost killed me, it would almost definitely kill them. So I guess I see why maybe they don't understand, since they don't know everything. But I wish they could just trust that my reasons behind writing my brother out of my life must be deeper than they know, otherwise I wouldn't take such drastic actions. I get so mad sometimes I just want to scream at them and tell them everything, jsut to watch the devestation wash across their face. And then other times I think that even if I did tell them they still wouldn't be devestated, hurt, feel bad for letting me go through that. I would probably be told I was exaggerating, get over it, it's been years, he's different, etc. Cause that's what I get from them every time that I ask them to please let it go, I have my reasons for my actions. I've been thinking alot lately about the times when I was younger when I would just sit there with pills or a razor or anything and think about how nice it would be just to die, but I could never do it. I wanted to so bad, I would pray to God to not wake up in the morning. And tonight, when I realized I was about to graduate, broke with no job, and parents who think I am not driven, I started thinking about it again. I mean seriously. What am I leaving behind? I have all of 2 real friends. No family ties. No work or other kind of productive, self-sustaining life. And what's funny, what I've always known and frequently thought about, is that I'm not going to live a long life. I can't picture myself in the future. I try to think of myself as a mother, or a career woman, or as a grandmother, or anything older, and I just can't. Other people, normal people, can envision their life so many years down the line. I've just never been able to. When I was little, like in elementary school, I could picture myself in college. But I've never been able to think about myself beyond that point. Maybe it's all finally coming to the point where it just stops.

Unbelievable

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 23:53:02 GMT

I feel surprisingly low-key and calm, which is strange because when I think back over the week the only thing to describe it would be "messed-up." Where to begin....

So, at work I tried to negotiate for my post-graduation salary, which was for about $500 more a month than they offered, and the answer was no. Which means I'll be doing my job for 4 days a week, making $1500 a month, and then I'll have to have another job the other 3 days of the week. Which, granted, will be enough for me to pay my rent, utilities, insurance, phone, and save some. But I won't be able to live extravagantly---I'll really only have about $200 more a month in spending money than I do now, which will be a total of about $250 a week, which seems like nothing. And I keep telling myself, I'm only 21, something good can come out of this, and at the end of one year I'll be offered a job in DC (it's been promised already). So I'm disappointed, but then on the other hand I'm not. And $250 spending money a week seems small, but then again there will be some weeks where I only spend $50, so that'll make up for the other weeks when I need to spend more. It just would have been nice to have gotten the $2000 a month so that I wouldn't have had to work 7 days a week and 2 jobs....oh well.

Then there were the family issues.....my brother got engaged to his girlfriend who my parents dislike cause she's not all that smart, has a child, etc. I only met her once about 4 years ago so I don't really have an opinion, but everyone agrees she's very sweet, a good mother, loves B, etc. But my parents are freaking, which means they're also taking it out on me (as has been our pattern for the past 11 years or so, since my brother started having his issues). And my dad keeps harping on me about having a relationship with my brother (we only speak about once every 2 years) and I'm like "no, I can't do that, I don't love him, I can move on with my own life but I can't move on with him it," cause like there are some intense intense issues there, some of which my parents are clueless about. So my dad and I aren't on good terms. We got in a fight about it on Wednesday, so on Thursday I sent both parents a long e-mail basically pouring my heart out, and my dad didn't respond, and today when he did, he sucked at it and we got in another screaming match about it. At least we said I love you before we hung up, but it was still the equivalent of having hung up on each other after a heated argument. Whatever, I'm done caring. I told him that if he wouldn't accept the fact that my brother and I were never going to have a relationship then it would affect my relationship with him. He doesn't seem to care. It would kill me to lose my relationship with my dad, but I just can't keep going on this way.

And finally, let's get to my ex's. So, my one ex, P, who as of 2 months ago I was still talking to, having phone sex with, and he was telling me how he couldn't wait till his time with the Air Force was up cause then he'd move to DC, and I would be there, and we could be together again. And I never really took this seriously, because I wasn't really sure I would ever want that, but it did run through my mind a time or two as a "what if my life went in that direction?" type of thing. So anyway, we get in a fight one night and stop speaking. He unfriends me on myspace (how immature) and all this other stuff. Then, about a month ago, I gather from his away messages that he is dating a girl who goes to OSU. Which is funny, considering he lives in Alaska. So it would appear that they were just talking on the phone one day and decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Then, he goes to see her in Columbus for her spring break, and he comes back engaged. Um, WHAT?! This, coming from the boy who never wants to get married?!?! (quote: "B, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you, but marriage just isn't in my future, I think it's lost it's meaning as an institution so what's the point...") ARE YOU KIDDING? Like, I'm not jealous, or hurt, but it's still odd when your first love gets engaged. It's more shock than anything, I think. Especially considering that since me, he has dated one girl for a year and another girl for 2 years. All the while keeping in touch with me. And now he dates this girl for a month and they're engaged? Just unbelievable. But, the wedding is scheduled for October (I'm kind of a stalker), so I'm wondering if it'll happen. It just seems so bizzare.

Eating wise, I've done ok. Took an adipex on Friday and only had my chewy bar all day. Then my friend T invited me to dinner to pay me back for a favor I did, so I kind of screwed up----I had a salad and veggie sandwich, when all I wanted to have was some veffies or at least a low-cal Healthy Choice. Oh well, I still lost a pound. Saturday I had work events, so I ate a little more but didn't gain anything. Took an adipex this morning and had a chewy bar, then I just had a 290 cal Healthy Choice for dinner, but I didn't eat it all so I probably had 250 cals or less. I'm going to try to do well Monday and Tuesday, hopefully steal another adipex from my roomate and take it on Wednesday, go to the gym Monday and Wednesday. I'm expecting to be 145 or 146 in the morning. So, the goal by Thursday, when my mom arrives, is 143. I should be able to do that... I've accepted that I'm going to gain some over Easter weekend, but hopefully no more than 3 or 4 and then I'll have about 5 weeks to get down to 135 by graduation. The problem is that already, alot of my jeans are getting too big, so after I lose another 12 I don't ever want to think about the money I'll have to spend on new clothes. But it'll be fun at least!

So, I have a big assignment due tomorrow in a class that I only have a 75% in, and it's worth %25 of my grade. So, in other words, I need to do really well. But I am having a hard time caring about it. But I need to make myself focus! I need to get at least in the B range on this. One month of school left.....almost done....

Back From Break

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 04:25:31 GMT

So. I had lost about 6lbs, and then figured I had fucked it all up. And I kind of did, but not too badly. My best friend from Ohio & high school, L, was in town over St. Patricks Day so we partied and hung out and did NOLA type things. Which of course includes eating/drinking calorie packed things. L is so naturally thin it drives me nuts, but whatever. Then I immediately left for my spring break cruise, during which I ate like an effing mad woman. It's like I had no self control. Some days I tried to be slim around lunch, but it's like I could feel myself expanding. There were limited opportunities for exercise, but I tried to seize them. Anyway, I figured I had gained all 6lbs and then some back, and was so sad, but it turns out I only gained 4. Which I feel like shit about, but not as bad as I would have felt if I had gained the like, 10 that I thought I did! So anyway, yesterday and today I semi did my plan, but I had some granola that I snacked on because I knew I would need the few days to get my eating back under control. Tomorrow the plan resumes in full force. I stole 2 adipex's from my roomate, which I am using Friday (just cause I struggle on Fridays for some odd reason) and Sunday (weekends are hard in general, but I can't use it Saturday because sometimes it makes me nauseous and I have a big work function that day). Then resume the plan for Monday, and Tuesday and Wednesday I'm gonna do Beyonce's lemonade thing. My mom arrives on Thursday, which will make it hard to not gain weight over Easter weekend. But I'm gonna do the best I can. If I could be down 7lbs by next Thursday, so basically in 8 days, that would be awesome. I am gonna work out a little but not everyday because I tend to lose less when I work out (working out only seems to help me out of plateaus).

Other than weight, things are going ok. Got 2 mid-terms back today----one I did a-mazing on and one I just did ok. I'm pretty broke from spring break, which sucks. I am also getting nervous about finding a real job after graduation----so far I only have one offer, and I'm not even sure I can negotiate it up to a salary that I could actually live off of, and I really just don't want to do it. But I still have some active applications so you never know. Everyday I run home from class thinking that maybe there will be something in my inbox regarding an exmployer wanting an interview, but so far I have been disappointed everyday. Ahhhhh. We'll see.... Oh and also, after 9 months of being single, I think I might be at a point where I can try dating again. I mean, I've been over A for a while., but have just been looooving being unattached. But I'm starting to think it might be nice. Maybe I'll start actually paying attention to guys again. Maybe.

WHAT?!?!?!?!

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 04:09:26 GMT

I am so pissed. After going the whole weekend staying exactly at the same weight, I was already disappointed enough in myself for not losing anything. But then I GAINED A POUND. Um, what? It should be physically impossibly to gain a pound on less than 700 calories. I mean, I know that's not really restricting, so to speak, but come on. I had to have burned more than that through out the day from walking around campus, doing some pilates, crunches, and just breathing for God's sake. My roomate said not to freak, that there will be days where I'll be a pound heavier and then the next day I'll be down like 2 or 3, but still, so annoying. Anyway, to make matters worse, my 11am class got canceled so instead of just having broth for lunch on Wednesdays like I normally do, I had sushi with a friend. So ok, not too bad, I figured I would just adopt my T/R plan for the day (veggies for dinner, etc.). But noooooo, my roomate and her friends were baking something for another friend at our apartment, so I had 2 (2!) oreos! WHAT?! Am I crazy? Apparently. SO I had 50 cals worth of veggies for dinner and called it a day. So total is probably 450 + whatever the oreos are-----another 100 maybe? God I suck so bad. You would think that after gaining a pound I would have more sense than that. Whatever. Tomorrow I am going to be at work till like midnight, which means my boss will be wanting to order dinner. She used to be binge/purge so bad in college so I don't think she'll care if I just take veggies and say that I would prefer to have those than order food. Hopefully I will have the willpower though-----watch her be like "wanna get pizza?" and me be like "hell yes I do!" Ugh I hate myself. One good thing----I finally made it to the gym today, so I probably burned 200ish (I was kind of lame.....) so that'll help take care of some of my excess cals. Ok, I have been so sluggish lately that I want to try to be in bed by midnight, but I still have to write a paper and shower. More tomorrow.