mood: irritated music: Britney.

I hate management!  There was this time, when I was maybe in middle school, and I can remember my dad talking about a promotion he had just gotten and how he was so thrilled because the promotion put him in a position where nobody reported to him.  And I remember thinking "my dad is officially, fucking crazy.  I can't wait till everyone reports to me and I am the boss!"  I was so wrong, and now I totally understand his thinking.  It's not so much the day-to-day stuff.  It's the things here and there.  Like them constantly trying to outsmart me.  (I am the youngest in the office by a few decades and the boss so naturally, I am constantly fighting for respect)  I definitely don't think I know everything but, ummm, keep trying.  And my staff isn't really the bad part.  It's the temporary workers that report to me that my regional office makes me use.  So today we find out that one of the girls fudged her time sheet after I signed off on it.  Well of course we made a copy of the one I signed off on, so does this little bitch really think I'm going to pay her for 30 hours when she only worked six?  I don't know whether to be grossed out by her brazenness or offended by the fact that she obviously took me for stupid.  And it was my assistant who caught the error!  I'm going to take her to lunch or do something nice for her tomorrow, just to let her know that I appreciate her doing her job.  And then I'm going to take pleasure in firing the little bitch who tried to screw me (and the charity we work for!).  I normally dread, agonize, do a few shots before firing someone.  It sucks putting someone out of a job.  Normally.  But this will be amazing.

Anyway, food was ok today, same as the past couple days, except for since I had to get up so early I buckled and got my starbucks drink.  Of course it's skinny but still it's unnecessary cals.  Worked out, tanned, shopped, etc.  Now I need to do my crunches/push ups and paint my toes and shower and go to bed.  This is one of those nights when I totally could be in bed by now but now it 11pm and I still have all that stuff to do because I have dicked around.  Sometimes I get on my own nerves.

In closing, I am way too excited about Britney's video premiere tomorrow.  Definitely dvr'ing 20/20.  Because of course I'll be at happy hour somewhere.  And then the beach on Saturday!!! 
 

mood: contemplative

Seriously, Saints, the time has come.  Our kicker just lost the effing game for us.  And we were so close.

Anyway, as seems to be the normal lately, I did terribly on Saturday and Sunday.  But I stole two adipex from E, so I took one today to get my appetite back down.

I had:

b-fast: Kashi bar, 110 cals
lunch: 100 calorie pack of oreos
snack: weight watchers chocolate coconut candy, 50 cals
dinner: little sushi, approx 350 cals, sooo...

Total: 610.  I could have done without the sushi b/c I wasn't really hungry, but I don't want to take the adipex tomorrow, and if I hadn't eaten anything for dinner I would have woken up starving and gotten the day off to a bad start.

Week 3 of my running plan starts tomorrow!  The link is here if anyone is interested.  It seems a little simple to start, but I am not feeling burnt out yet and I still feel like I'm getting a decent workout, so I am feeling good about it.  I usually burn about 275 cals but obviously as I increase distance, I will increase burnt cals.  And I am ok with a 30 minute workout totaly 275 cals---I figure on a normal day that eliminates my 100 calorie breakfast bar and half of my Subway 6-inch for lunch.

On a non-weight related note, I am angry with Clancy (my cat) because he chewed up my new grey heels that I was soooo thrilled about (I have been looking for grey heels FOREVER).  And I am going to the beach this weekend...by myself.  And I am really looking forward to it.  I probably can't afford it, but there are 3 paychecks in October so I'll make do.  I just feel very frustrated with my friends lately, like we're all on a different page, and I've been blaming them.  But, when I think about it, I realize that I am the common link with all the frustration.  So maybe I'm the one being weird.  So I'm just going to clear my head in Pensacola, read a book, drink some wine, and relax.  My friend A might come for a day but can't stay, so for the most part it'll be just me. 

Also, I recently found out that P got engaged, again.  After we got in a fight, again.  I'm sure it is probably completely unrelated to me, but it does seem as though everytime we fight, he goes into this "I have to get serious and grow up" mode.  Anyway, the last time this happened he never actually got married, but I think he might this time.  And even if he doesn't, and he comes running back once again, it's kind of like I have written him of completely now.  Because seriously, who wants to be the 3rd girl that the guy has proposed to?  Especially when it's a guy you've been off and on with since you were 12.  If I was going to be anything, it should have been the first and only.  So that said, I wish there was no internet.  It makes it too easy for me to keep tabs on him...it would be so much easier if I could just forget he exists!  Met a guy at the bar last night who already called.  Charming, but in that he's either rediculously charming straight or just flat out gay.  Not flaming, obviously, but just the kind that you're like "hmmm...I wonder...."  He wanted to meet up tonight after the game but I'm sure he doesn't now since the Saints just blew it.  I never called him back anyway.  Might call him closer to the weekend.  We'll see.

Super long post.
 

mood: contemplative

Today has been a decent day:

B-fast: Slim Fast Optima bar, 120 cals
Lunch: Subway 6-inch turkey, 350 cals
Dinner: Progresso soup, 220 cals
Dessert: jello non-fat pudding, 60 cals

With probably 100 cals of munchies.  So that's 850, but then I burned 265 in the gym, bringing my daily total to 585.  Not bad.  But thus far, I'm not losing weight and I can't figure out why!  It's so frustrating.  I know that there are things that I can cut out---like the 100 cals worth of munchies.  And the 60-cal pudding.  The problem is, I need something sweet.  I could do sugar-free jello instead, half a box is 20 cals...so that would knock 40 cals off of dessert.  But sometimes I feel like anything from 100-500 cals is going to result in the same weight loss and anything from 500-900 is the same.  Like really, is there a difference between 150 cals and 300 cals?  Like, I know those with ED's would say YES.  And I don't know if my food obsession and multiple issues = ED or just = craziness.  Anyway, it's probably good that I'm not losing a pound a day like I used to because I just gained it all back.  Now that I am losing 1-3 a week maybe it's healthier.  Who really knows!

Anyway, I just want to be thin so that guys are interested again.  And I know that makes me sound so 7th grade.  But I really do get more attention when I am thinner, and I am wanting a boyfriend lately.  I don't know why, I've never been the type of girl to like, "want" a boyfriend.  They've just always kind of come to be.  But now I want one.  I think it's cause my friends are busier and busier and I see less and less of them, so I want someone I can just call and be like "want to watch a movie? go to dinner?" and I know that YES, they do want to.

So, in my current state of mind, thin = boyfriend.  I'll get there!!  I am pretty determined right now and I don't have anything big coming up that should get me off track.  I'm thinking about doing liquid fasts on Sunday.  Basically, nothing but water, diet soda, chicken broth, and 100 calorie mocha packs, should I require them.  And maybe sugar free jello, if I die.  Basically, maxing for the day at 140.  I can probably do it.  The part that worries me if that I'll wake up Monday STARVING and get off track.  Anyway.  I'm rambling.

mood: calm

So today was ok. 

B-fast: Kudos bar, 100 cals
Lunch: Subway 6-inch Turkey, 350 cals
Dinner:  285 cal thing from Smoothie King & 100 cal pack
In between: 2 pretzel sticks and 5 peanuts, approx. 50 cals

So that adds up to 885.  I went to the park after work and speed walked 4 miles with my friend M, so we burned about 200 cals, so...we're going to say I ended the day at 700.  I'm not going to try to do the math with the alli and what percent of fat cals it takes away...anyway, I was down 2 pounds this morning.  Alli isn't supposed to help with appetite supression, but my appetite is way down.  Either I'm just getting used to this or it is helping. 

Tomorrow is my birthday!  Good and bad.  Fun, yes, but cake and dinner out with friends?  This could be tough!  Part of me wants to just unleash for my birthday, but the other part of me is so proud of how I've been doing and grossed out by the thought of my dress not zipping that I can't bear the thought of pigging out.  So we'll see how I do!

I also have new boy drama, but I'm too tired to type it out tonight.  That'll come.
 

mood: calm

So I've been doing a little better lately, easing myself back into it, after a year of eating anything in sight and gaining, I am not kidding, 12 lbs.  I can't believe how much work I have to do just to get back to where I was a year ago!!  Anyway, here is what I had today

breakfast: cheerios with skim milk---175 cals
lunch: Healthy Choice---310 cals
dinner: chicken broth and a chicken breast---120 cals
dessert: sugar-free jello pudding and a 100-calorie pack---160 cals
and I had some stick pretzels to snack on:  150 cals

Total: 915

Not very good!  But for this first week or so I figure anything under 1000 is a decent start.  I did go to jazzercize, so I probably burned at least 150-200 cals in the 45 minutes I was there.  I couldn't stay the whole hour because I pulled that muscle that wraps around your ribs a few days ago and it started aching terribly.  

Tomorrow someone from my regional office is coming into town so I hope I'm able to resist going to lunch with her.  I really need to date more but no one looks at me with me weighing this much.  If that's not motivation, what is?!

mood: confused

Sigh.  I am so confused!  Surprise, surprise.  So, I've dated a little here and there.  But it's been few and far between since A... there was J for that one summer, then D for a month, then J the next summer, then A in the fall.  And now that brings me to R.  Met this week, went out on a date on Friday.  And while he initiated it, he left it up to me, so it wasn't so much a date as it was him coming along with me and my friends and what we normally do on a Friday night (casual drinks, home before midnight).  And while things went fine, and there were a few positive feedback type of moments throughout the evening, I have not heard from him.  Granted, it has not even been 48 hours, but this is where I am lost.  With the past few guys, A & D, namely, I wasn't that into them and was ignoring their texts, their calls, etc.  It's been a while since I'm the one checking my phone every 20 minutes.  And so, I suppose that maybe it's my turn to get knocked off of my high horse a little bit and remember what rejection feels like, but on the other hand it's like DAMNIT, I really think I could have liked this guy.  So it's a bummer.  I think tonight I'm going to text him.  At the end of the evening he said "well text me sometime," but there was no hug, no kiss, no anything (I was seatbelted in, just dropping him off, so that could be why?).  So, based on the fact that he said that, I don't think it would be out of line for me to send one text this evening, 48 hours post-first date, and say something to the effect of "How was the rest of your weekend?"  If I get no response well then I know.  He's a little shy, so I'm hoping he meant what he said when he said to text him.  Ahhhhhh I hate this.  I keep reminding myself not to play the game.  If I want to text him, I should text him, and if he doesn't respond well then, I was just being me and if he can't like me for me then it wasn't meant to be.  If that even makes sense.  Which very little does.  Sigh.

mood: tired

So, it's been forever.  I am gross, let me just get that out there.  So from graduation through Christmas I basically did horrible (that;'s 6 months!) and have gained gained gained.  Like seriously gained.  I went to a Mardi Gras Ball on Friday and the pictures are just terrible.  TERRIBLE.  So I have resolved to get back on track.

My first job, the one that I mention in the previous post, lasted about 6 months.  I wasn't as preoccupied as I thought I would be---in fact, I had NOTHING to do so I was bored, which caused a probably false sense of hunger, and what followed was the weight gain.  Now I am at a non-profit where I actually have 2 people working for me which keeps me very busy and much less bored and therefore hungry, but the people who work for me eat terribly and it's hard to do well when they're doing so poorly.

So anyway, Mardi Gras is in 2 weeks and I'd like to lose 6 lbs by then, which there's no real reason I can't do.  Work this week will be very busy and stressful and it's hard not to just pig out on whatever I can find at those times, but I must not do it!  People will be taking so many pics during Mardi Gras that I need to look good!  It has been so long since I took a good picture, and I know it's weird to say, but sometimes weight gain is hard to notice until you see yourself in pictures.  The pictures don't lie.